Allowing Yourself to go Through the Stages of Grief

My son's doctor once said to me that I need to allow myself to grieve over my son. In my heart, I knew I was hurting, but I didn't want to admit it. The more I thought about what she said, the more realistic I became about her statement being fact.

When someone mentions grief, one's mind automatically goes to the thought of physical death. You think about when your grandfather or grandmother died. Some even think about the death of their parents. We know how we felt after the deaths of our loved ones. At first, you feel like you're in a cloud, not really feeling what had just happened. I remember feeling that way when my father passed away in 1999. It just didn't feel like reality. Soon after, the cloud disappeared and was replaced by true sadness and grief. The sadness then turned to anger as I became angry that his passing had happened (The "Why do bad things happen to good people" stage). I also began to feel guilty. I began thinking that it was my fault that my dad became sick and passed away. To cope with the anger and guilt, I began to deny that it actually happened (I walk in the door and truly expect to see my dad). Then I finally accept what has happened. This stage was also accompanied by loneliness. I felt alone because none of my other friends had gone through this. I felt like I had no one to talk to.

Over the past 11 years, I have gone through these stages of grief. I gone back and forth between them. A parent of a child with a disability goes through the same thing. As a parent of a child with a disability, I can say this with all sincerity. So, I would like to explain how a parent of a child with a disability will go through the stages of grief. (My son does not have a diagnosis, but as I began discovering that something was not right with my son, I began going through the following stages of grief.)

Shock
Immediately after your child is given a diagnosis, you may feel stunned or in complete shock ("Did this just really happen?). You knew there was something different about your child and you might have even fought for the diagnosis, but once the diagnosis is given, you have a hard time believing it. You will find yourself researching the diagnosis and questioning whether the doctor was right or not.

Sadness or Grief
Once you have realized that the diagnosis actually happened, you will find yourself stricken with painful sadness and grief. When you were pregnant, you had so many hopes and dreams for your child. You want only the best for your child and you already think your child is the most perfect, beautiful thing in the world. Once you realize that there is something wrong with your child and the diagnosis is given, you must allow yourself to grieve over the hopes and dreams you once had. This will allow you to move on and begin reshaping your hopes and dreams for your child.
It is extremely important to allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve. Depression can lead to health problems and also makes caring for your child and other family members more challenging. Find someone who is willing to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on. Cry, vent, and move on. There are more important challenges to deal with.

Anger
Anger is an intregal part of moving on. Believe or not, anger is completely natural. You will go through periods of feeling angry ("Why do bad things happen to good people?"). During these periods, you may not be interested in hearing the facts about the disability or listen to others who may want to give you advice. You may find yourself releasing your anger on people around you. You may also overreact to small things. It is important to talk to someone. Release your anger in a healthy way by talking to a best friend and excersizing. Excersizing releases endorphines that are key to keeping a healthy frame of mind.
You may also experience anger towards the doctor who diagnosed your child. Try to understand that they are only doing what is necessary for your child to receive proper treatment.

Guilt
You may feel that your child's disability is your fault. You think about all the things that happened during the pregnancy, birth, and infancy of your child. Don't allow yourself to become burdened by this. Realize that you are going through this stage, but allow yourself to move on. Allow yourself to realize that you cannot change what has happened. Use your grief to change your child's future. Advocate for your child and other children. Moving forward is the best way to move on.

Denial
You may also go through stages of not believing what is happening with your child (How could this be happening?). During this time, be aware that you are experiencing denial, and do not lose focus on your child's treatment. 

Acceptance and Loneliness
I found that I went through these stages simultaneously. I began to accept what was happening with my son. Even if your child has been diagnosed and you are in the anger stage, keep your chin up. You will reach the stage where you can accept what is happening. You will also find that with acceptance comes loneliness. You will desperately want to find a group to belong to. You will desperately want to find someone to talk to who also has a child with a disability. Make sure to take time for yourself and find a group that will offer you support.

Words to the wise
Every person is a unique individual that will process things differently. You may move through the stages of grief quickly or it may take a long time. Allow yourself to have the time to deal with the situation. You will move back and forth between the stages through time, so your emotions may be raw from time-to-time. Allow yourself to feel. Use your emotions to advocate for your child. Do not allow bitterness or depression. If you find yourself unable to deal rationally with your emotions, go to your doctor. Your doctor will help you find ways to deal with your grief.

Reference: www.autismspeaks.org/family/index.php